the truth.

Or at least today’s truth is this:

I am working hard on figuring out how to heal myself.  I know I have all the tools deep inside me, and everyday I am uncovering, peeling back and unearthing something new.  It feels like I am in a cocoon phase, one that I’ve never truly been allowed to live in before.

As a single/teen mama I’ve never had the luxury of “finding” myself before.  Discovering who it is that I am, deep, deep inside has always seemed like a frivolous activity.  I’m not saying I haven’t done my share of growing/healing/exploring/creating myself, I’m just saying making that the MAIN focus of what I’m doing has felt so self-indulgent… like something only kids with trust-funds get to do, and, honestly, that wasn’t me.

This is new land I’m exploring.  I’m starting to learn what I like.. not just because I SHOULD like it, or am SUPPOSED to like it, or because someone else deemed it IMPORTANT.  I’m also starting to remember that I don’t have to do to things I don’t like.. and I don’t need an excuse for not doing them.

I’ve been a “responsible” adult since I was 16.  (well, you know, as responsible as I had the tools to be)  So there is something incredibly frightening (read: terrifying) about being unemployed right now.  I’m unemployed, and I have NO idea where/when I will get another job, and yet, I feel like I am doing the right thing.  I am making space for me.  I am making space to heal ME.

Instead of organizing and stressing over a business, I’m opening myself up to the possibilities that exist when you follow Spirit.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m TOTALLY clear that following Spirit wont mean that someday I may have the opportunity to tend to a business or stress about organizing but today it means that I have to; stop, breathe, go to the gym (a lot apparently), pray, get good with my peoples, forgive my self for previous mistakes, learn compassion, pray more, meditate, cook, eat,  LOVE, and work on being the very best me that I can be.

I’m starting to read again.  I’m hungry for healing books and transformative tools.  I’m excited about words and, two days ago, for the first time that I can remember, I took a nap.  I was like a kid.. so resistant, and had a billion reasons why I didn’t want to (mostly because I didn’t feel like I SHOULD) but I did, and it made me feel good.

I am so thankful for this opportunity to heal, to learn, to connect.  I am so thankful for this incredible tremendous privilege (guised as oh-so-scary unemployment), and I just wanna keep reminding myself that I am ok and being IN this journey is way more important than knowing what is going to come at the end of it.

Ya. That’s all. This is my truth for today and I’m sticking to it.

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