Learning how to release and let go.

Today I am thinking about how to embrace release.  Over the past few months I’ve made a decision to move my family across country.  After a grueling process of negotiating with myself, reasoning with myself, doubting myself, and questioning myself, I’ve finally come to a place of understanding that this is a move that I want.  I’ve moved so many times in my life from a place of necessity. When I was 8, I was forced to leave a country I love and move here (to Massachusetts), and I don’t think I’ve ever managed to fully recover from that.  Leaving an abusive relationship when I was a teen displaced me into homelessness, and it seems like I’ve been struggling to make home ever since.  I’ve had lots of places that have felt like home, and lots of places that I’ve been content with, and I’ve had an incredibly blessed life… but there’s always been parts of me that have hungered for something else.  The thing is, when you’re a single mama, state-dependent, moving can not only feel really hard, it can be really hard.  Deciding that I’m willing to risk everything I know, including the skills it takes to navigate certain systems (healthcare, housing, etc.)  to pursue some “dream” can often fall at the bottom of your priority list, especially when you’re actively trying to engage in growing a healthy secure family, and pay your bills.

This past year has been transformational for me.  It seems like it started with small nudges, little moments where I began to wonder what would happen if I let go… I mean REALLY let go and just trusted spirit.  Those little nudges got bigger and bigger until finally I had no choice but to walk the talk that I’d begun to hear coming from my mouth, resonating from my spirit.

When I started this blog, I had just started to reunite with some of my spiritual guides.  Actually, it is clear to me now that it was me reuniting with them… not the other way around- they had been there all along, just waiting for me to wake up and recognize them.. to wake up to myself… to wake up the world.. to wake up the spiritual path that had always been there for me.  Over the course of the last two years, this awakening has been such a tremendous journey full of blessings.  Some of the things I’ve learned is that spirit resides here inside you, even when you aren’t able to see it.  I’ve also begun an investigation about how to grow my spiritual self in more meaningful, enriched ways.   When I started to look at what I needed, I started to realize that I need to be somewhere new.  I need a new environment to nurture myself in.  I need a new landscape to help me on my path.

What’s funny about that discovery was that I had made my mind up about staying here.  After years of wrestling with the idea of moving, this Spring I decided I was finally ready to stay put. Then I traveled to the Southwest and everything I thought I knew changed.  I tried to ignore the feeling I got, the YOU NEED THIS whisper (read: yelling) in my ear.  I didn’t want to leave what I knew.  I didn’t want to feel the pull, and TRUST ME, I tried to resist, and when I came home, I tried to discuss (with ANYONE who would listen) how silly, ridiculous, earth-shattering this desire felt.

I guess, if I had resources to leave, I probably would have a long time ago… but I didn’t and dreaming of going somewhere was the best I could do.  I’ve built a pretty strong support system around me, and I’ve done a lot of work in my community… from small things to larger things, I’ve felt really blessed to have the opportunity to grow with some of the many talented, creative, wonderful people that my local community has to offer.  So, besides the fact that I’ve never really felt like I had the resources to make this move, I’ve also always carried some fear about leaving the main support that my family has had over the last 14 years.  Yes, it’s been 14 years here… and I am just beginning to unpack all the various ups and downs that we’ve (our family) has experienced while we’ve been here.

After all, I raised my kids here.  I built my queer phamily here.  I met and am in love with some of my best friends here.  I know this land, the ways to so many of my most favorite sacred spots here, and I’ve grown myself here. And yet, even with all this said, I know I need something else.

Here’s the most outrageous part of this whole story.  Despite my deep love affair with New Mexico (which is where I was when I first realized my desire to move was still so strong), the real urge to MOVE came from a least expected location visit… and I still don’t fully understand why.  In April, I had the opportunity to travel to L.A.  a place I’ve been many times before, and suddenly, I KNEW.  There was no denying it.  I needed to make a move… and I needed to make a move to L.A.

Wow.  Have you ever moved on spirit?  It seems like this last year has really been a lesson for me about trusting myself and trusting Spirit and taking ACTION.  In typical tk fashion, I came home and worked SUPER hard, in a SUPER conflicted way to discourage myself from paying attention to my feeling.  But, when Spirit is involved, it’s hard to ignore all the urging.  When I silenced myself, and released my fear, I heard my inner-voice, I FELT what I was feeling inside… and I knew it was time.

One of my mentor’s used to say: “little by little, then all of the sudden”… this year I am really learning what that means.  Little by little I made space to hear me.  Little by little I made space to feel Spirit.  Little by little I am awakening… and little by little I was in motion.  I can feel the all of the sudden right around the corner.  All of the sudden, this dream, this relocation, this release, this transformation, it’s happening.  We are moving.. we are letting go of almost everything we own, we are trusting that Spirit is guiding our way, and we are moving across country.

Boy, it’s big stuff… and every day, I’m wondering, is this a good decision?  Am I ready?  All I REALLY know is that this IS the direction I’m (we’re) supposed to go in.  And, as scary as it all feels, I want this.  Like, SO SO SO bad…want this.  I just wish I could have it all.  My beautiful home, amazing queer phamily, and blessed community there in a new exciting, beautiful space.

I don’t really know the answer to why LA?  It’s just a feeling… and I’m good with that.  I am learning to release and let go, and let the spirit move my soul. I am working on TRUSTING that all we need will unfold, perfectly, just like it is supposed to.  I am practicing faith… and it is hard.. and I hope that you will all help me stay on track with this.. because I know that if you all will hold space for me to keep the my eyes on the prize right now, we will collectively manifest something HUGE here. ❤

Today, I sold my dining room chairs. It might not seem huge but it marks a really big thing for me, since it seemed like it took me forever, for whatever reason, to manage to get some functional chairs to sit at.  I felt panicked, and started to question everything, when I realized the woman was really going to come and get them but now that they’re gone, I feel relieved.   Little by little this house is getting cleared out… and I know that I am only making space for the new: New energies, new adventures, new memories, new blessings, new loves, new phamily.

Here’s to practicing how to release and let go ❤




2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mamita Mala
    Jun 20, 2011 @ 12:16:32

    Oh mujer, as I plan and think about my own move yes – spirits call. I haven’t moved yet but I will – we will. Trust that you will be caught and usually it’s by another part of yourself you never knew you had.


  2. china
    Jun 20, 2011 @ 17:08:31

    oh beautiful! So exciting to see your journey unfold! Its good, its good to let go . . .life is change. I love how you described this whole process. I really know what you mean. at some point, you know. you know because you try not to. and at some point – you have to jump – – – to leap. Its good! There’s no wrong way to go really, but just to make a choice. Utopia is no place so the only way there is no road. I’m so glad you are brave and open building the future.

    I too, as an empty nested single low income mother – have contemplated change. moving. whats holding me back? to venture, to seek, to find a home or community I can be a part of. but in the end, I think… I think… I am finding it by staying still and trying to build what I need here. little bit by little bit. It’s surprising. you just never know ….

    lots of love and best wishes – your really doing it – YAY!


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