Embracing the freak-out moments too

I am freaking out about my move.

Yesterday, I took my entire family (including my queerbestfriendforever/bestbrotherever and my fur babies) to visit my parents, and to scope out a new home for one of our fur babies potential new homes.   It was a sorta rushed visit because we had things to do right before we left and then things we needed to do when we returned… and there was CRAZY traffic so we were all pretty exhausted from being in the car by the time we got there.  Regardless, it was an ok trip but I feel like all of that might have contributed to my overwhelming emotion at seeing my dad, the man that raised me, growing old.

It’s not like I haven’t seen him recently, but yesterday was different.  I guess because I’m so worried about what leaving him and going across the country is going to mean.  Will he be ok while I’m gone?  How will I know what is happening?  Who (besides my also aging mother) is going to care for him (them)?

I haven’t told them we’re leaving yet and I am so nervous about what that conversation is going to look like.

When we left the house I broke down in the car, I couldn’t stop crying and thinking about what a risk it feels like to leave right now. What if there is no dad to come home to?  What if this is a bad time to make this move?

This morning, I woke up and went right into anxiety mode.  It feels like making this move is putting so many of my relationships right on the line.  How am going to make it without some of the biggest/realest security blankets I’ve ever had. My dad, my brother, and my dog.  It’s like tearing my heart out of my body.  So, I’ve been freaking out all day.  (well, in reality, it’s 2 waking hours), and after some reassuring texts, I am FINALLY reminding myself that freaking-out is part of the process.

Normally, I tend to want to skip over the emotional freak-out and head right to the “I have faith” portion of things.. it makes me feel more secure to know that someone/ something else has a master plan at work for me, and so I try to get myself to that place of remembering right away.  Today, my spirit just isn’t gonna let me go there… or at least not right away.  SO, I’m slowing things down and creating space for myself to remember to breathe, feel, love and hold myself compassionately.  Today, instead of moving on and moving forward, I am going to create time to sit still and let myself grieve.

I am leaving my dad, and my brother, and the little dog that has stolen my heart.  And it hurts so much, I can’t do anything but cry about it.  And, I am accepting that this hurt, this sadness, is part of my process.  If I wasn’t freaking out.. well, that would be sadder.

I wanted to write about this because I wanted to share this icky part of the process with y’all too.  I’m committed to embracing the freak-out moments too, and today I’m creating more space to allow myself some self-care to guide me through this space too.  Wish me luck and lots of deep breathing y’all.  I’ll be excited to share what comes next with you soon.

xo.

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